[song starts at 1:28]
After the job went bad I kind of flipped out for a while. I walked the length of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. In the cold. Shivering. Starving. In existential agony. I ended up in Cleveland. Why Cleveland. Well, I guess I'd kind of become obsessed with it from an early age. Why do we become interested in anything. Look at anything from your past, why did it grab you? Cause you found it interesting. I was a big sports watcher when I was a kid. and I'd always seen Cleveland teams on TV. Especially the browns and they were always winning but they always lost the big game, so they were always like the underdog. And I related to that as a kid. I was nothing special. I didn't feel special. I felt like I was just biding my time and that something good would happen if I just went with it, but this is all stuff I wouldn't figure out until much later. All I knew was that I loved the team but mostly I just hated John Elway's stupid fucking face.
[song starts at 1:33]
It became pretty obvious by this point that there was kind of split. I mean here I was in torment over this punishment. Being bombarded with all these fragments, all these pieces of failure and derision, and memory, places I had already been. And everyone else just living their lives forward and making plans, putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually passing the other as is the law of nature. while I, a god, of god, am apparently not subject to these laws anymore. stuck in this world of fractions, unable to pass, i may as well have been going backwards. I open my eyes and I'm on a roof ten years ago, I jump off and try to die but instead I'm 20 years from now, under some woman's thumb, some woman who isn't even aware she's subjugating something holy. unaware there is an evil we are in service of now, taking this joy and spitting it out, next time I open my eyes I'm in Albany, then Buffalo, I'm stoned, I'm drunk. and MEANWHILE back in reality, this place I can observe and torture but not influence, i find myself where I usually end up when I'm immersed in some irreparable cognitive dissonance. At a bar, looking for something to stick my dick into.
[song starts at 0:56]
This is a death march, really. It's the song that you would imagine a great singer singing as they sit in the back of the boat as they cross the river Styx. Poor Genevieve, I really did not mean to kill her this early in the narrative, or what would become the narrative, and I think that's evidenced by the fact that she's here to sing her death song for you. She'll be back, she's integral to the repair of the two timelines. But I've already said too much.
[song starts at 1:00]
At this point, in what would become the assembly of the narrative, I needed to introduce a larger world, and the purpose behind that world. Why is it so content to describe it self as being against the other? others? How the cynicism eats itself, but is too real to not suck in so many well meaning, nice people, as well as sociopaths. I could never personally be a part of that discussion. I have too much ... hunger.
[song starts at 0:15]
I really don't know what to say about this one. Perhaps it is all sunshine and puppies after all.
[song starts at 2:20]
Now you've got this problem of this kind of self-aware force that is kind of its own volition and... I guess it uses human beings, we use it far more, but doesnt that become kind of what people mean when they say that god works throuigh people, god only works through the channel of human beings..... and this is where the crisis of faith comes in. at this point in the narrative you have the physical split of the death (and we're not sure whose death yet) and the other half of the split in what I call... for lack of a better term... an alternate timeline. and in this timeline i wanted this character to be confronted with the crisis of faith in the sense where.... it's the crisis of depersonalization, the crisis of not being able to form a narrative out of your thoughts, so this charatcer is going to be reliving parts of his life but it will be in a bizarro sense where hell know something is a little off but wont be able to wrap his hands around it first. so you have the god crisis going on ... the crisis of faith: not how you usually think of it where a beliver is being tempted with non belief but a non believer being tempted with belief. now this is going on in the quote unquote real timeline and in the alt time line you have the crisis of personal narrative: one person depending on basically the integrity of one's own memory and brian to construct a narrative and a person, essentially, so this is where it starts to fall apart for our hero.
[song starts at 0:52]
and of course when you antagonize love, say you go up to love and you're like, I know this is supposed to be easy, but we have to prepare you for war so to speak. love will not take to kindly to that because love wants to exist ... but love can only exist through the channel of a human being and when you do that it can sort of backfire. as they say, first gradually, and then all at once..
[song starts at 0:42]
And love isn't just - there's this idea with love where's it's free, if love is there, then you either have to intuit it, or just trust it. My idea of love in the context of a longer form project, is that it works best with an antagonist.
[Song Starts at 1:33]
well it's actually - I was stuck. and what are you going to do when you're stuck? I had to allign myself with something, it's not that easy to just pick up [unintelligible] usually it's just STOP - and then all right, well now it's stopped. I had never had a problem starting and now I couldn't start but I had all these half finished things, these fragments, and I was in serious fear of depersonalization. if I can't construct a narrative out of my life, if everything is just moment to moment to moment, well that's great if I want Nirvana, but what if I don't want Nirvana? Maybe I want something that's going to be useful to me here. And the only thing that I knew that worked every time, was love. So I started with love. I wanted to write a love song.